REVEALED: The reason why the rich invest in swimming pools...
My favourite minister, (no, really), Dr. Nkosazana Zuma, let slip another pearl of wisdom this week at the UNAIDS conference in Geneva.
Aids is surging in South Africa, where poor people end up having sex because they have no money to go to the movies or to the swimming pool, our health minister told the United Nations coordinating agency for the Aids epidemic.
"Sex is entertainment for the poor if you have nothing else to do when other people go to the cinema or to the pool, if your only relaxation is sex," Dr. Zuma told reporters in Geneva.
But the minister has got it all wrong. Any hot-blooded adolescent of either gender will tell you that movies are the place to be for uninterrupted foreplay away from the watchful eyes of parents.This is because the masses do not have the luxury of being able to afford a furnished love-nest in a beachfront flat for weekend flings.
What is at hand are fumbled gropings in the back row of the cinema culminating in nervous couplings amidst the dunes of the Beachwood Mangroves -- nervous because either the long arm of the law or the short arm of the mugger view these as their natural prey.
As for the swimming pool, if ever there was a place to actively seek out members of the appropriate sex, this is it. I have woman friends who have been know to head over to the pool (or beachfront) armed with notepads to keep score on the qualities of the boys on parade.
But the astonishing part of the minister's revelation is the underlying logic that recreational sex is primarily responsible for our ever-increasing numbers of the HIV-positive.
Recreational sex amongst monogamous couples would not encourage a proliferation of sexually transmitted diseases. So one would have to assume that the minister believes there is an extremely high degree of promiscuity among the ranks of the toiling masses.
But even more astonishing is the underlying implication that if most of the empoverished populace were given free passes to viewings of Basic Instinct, the amount of sex -- and therefore the incidence of Aids would decline.
Equally astonishing is the implication that the provision of swimming pools in the bitterly cold Johannesburg autumn -- we had temperatures of 2 degrees Celsius here last week -- would lead to a drop in copulation. Presumably, this would be the modern equivalent of a cold shower.
Far more practical, I think, for the department of health to provide vast quantities of alcoholic beverages which when taken to excess will create a libido-stifling stupour.
All of this may suggest that Nkosazana Zuma has very backward ideas in terms of how to deal with the Aids epidemic. In practice, this is not so.
The department of health in all of the many primary health care centres that have been established since Dr. Zuma took office have waged a praiseworthy campaign to educate the populace on prevention of STDs and use of condoms.
Their latest offering is a comic book, "Heart to Heart from Dream Love to True Love", that uses realistic characters to subtly redefine traditional attitudes towards sex and condoms.
The comic book is the working document for community discussion groups to talk about sex and the use of condoms. This is a realistic approach to education for third world conditions.
Perhaps Dr. Zuma needs to invest in a press officer. In the meanwhile, I need a cold shower.