There have been storm clouds gathering in our household following the government's plan to take ownership of all our water...
KATE was stomping about the kitchen and muttering. "Six inches of water in the back garden. If it's his, he should come and take it away."
We've had some serious rainstorms here in Gauteng over the past week. And in the middle of it all, Kader Asmal, our Water Affairs and Forestry Minister, announced legislation to end all private ownership of water.
The effect of the new law is that the government can meter and tariff all water. Riparian rights? RIP!
This conjured up some rather silly possibilities such as the idea of Prof. Asmal dashing through the rain with an upside down umbrella yelling "mine, all mine!".
Immediately after a rainstorm, the water police will pounce upon all drivers. "Your car has been washed by the state. Here's your bill."
Lawns will suddenly become too expensive to maintain. Newspapers will shut down because Mondi and Sappi will no longer afford to plant forests to feed the paper industry.
Medical aid societies will go bankrupt as asthmatics begin to pay a premium for their humidifiers.
A major taxpayer-funded research project will get under way to drain the ocean -- I mean "government owned waters" -- within our territorial limits. (By the year 2001, we will have annexed Australia.)
Pregnant mothers will be prosecuted for hoarding state assets. Foetuses will be charged rent or evicted.
Meanwhile, the fabled ancient lost civilisation of Mooi River rumoured to exist in the fog-smothered centre of KwaZulu Natal will finally be discovered after the mist police move in with their vacuum cleaners.
We have real problems with the water supply in this country. We are a land of perennial drought. We have periods of excellent rain -- like we have now -- followed by years of failed crops.
This is where Kanthan's axiom -- almost anything can be explained by stupidity -- proves itself again.
The Nats in their infinite wisdom decided to store water in above ground dams. Most schoolkids know that any water stored under the harsh Highveld sun during a dry spell quickly takes to the skies, never to return.
Dam levels drop dangerously. Water rationing begins in the cities, which strangely enough, are never short of rain.
Of course, crops still fail, because water saved in the city dams never gets to be trucked to the maize quadrangle.
So Asmal has inherited a real problem. He needs to find ways to store water during prime time for after hours use.
The solution is to store underground. Disused mine shafts would be perfect for this. The water can be safely held and pumped to the surface when needed.
But there's a problem. Kader Asmal doesn't own the rights to the mine shafts. Those are owned by that lot you see on the JSE listings under "Mining".
And they won't let you have those rights, because in years to come, mining technology may change and make those mines profitable once again.
Now the good socialist thing to do would be to strip the mining houses of ownership. The wealth of the country surely belongs to the people and not to Anglo, DeBeers, and company?
Oops! Can't do that! The capitalist world will react most vehemently at seeing giants of the mining world stripped of their property rights.
Fortunately, a farmer with a lake on his property lacks the clout of the Anglos and the DeBeers. He cannot fight back. So screw him. He quits.
This may not be bad. The farm could then be redistributed among the farm workers who will set up happy little agro-communities
But small family-run farms cannot feed a country as big as ours.Today's farms have to be large, technology intensive, and above all profitable.
Part of guaranteeing that profitability is ensuring that access to the natural resources on the land are not subject to the whims and fancies of centralised planning.
The agricultural disasters of the Stalin and Khruschev years in the former Soviet Union are proof enough of that.
Anyway, I'm pleased to announce that I have access to a regular water supply which I will gladly donate to Prof. Asmal. In fact, I can feel that third cup of coffee working right now. Excuse me...