Viva Mangope! Viva Louis Luyt! Viva Rajbansi! The people have spoken!
FOR those of you who have just come in, here's what's been happening. While Kluesener has been running rampant at the World Cup, this country held elections. In cricketing terms, this is the equivalent of picking the new national squad.
Now trust me when I say, "This is important." These are the proud men and women (but mostly men) who will provide us with countless hours of mirth over the next five years. Apart from being an endless source of humour, they will also provide us with gossip, scandal, wild animals with flying toupees and much more. The player list is still a secret, but my informed sources have given me some hints as to who's going to be in.
For example, I hear that Thabo Mbeki, being the epitome of dignity and decorum that he is, is so repulsed at the thought of associating with the above-mentioned menagerie that he will resign from the National Assembly on the very first day that he takes his seat! (Remember, you read it here first!)
All right then... who's who in the zoo? You may remember the last time, after the 1994 elections, the seat split in the National Assembly looked something like this: The African National Congress held 252 seats, the National Party held 82, the Inkatha Freedom Party held 43, the Freedom Front held 9, the Democratic Party held 7, the Pan Africanist Congress held 5, and the African Christian Democratic Party brought up the rear with 2.
This time around, what's it going to look like? My wholly unofficial method of seat allocation works on the basis that there are 400 seats in the National Assembly, so every 0,25% recorded at the polls gets a party one seat.
Let's first look at the old hands. The ANC with 66,37% get 265 seats — up 13 voices. Note that by my reckoning, this falls one seat short of two thirds majority — which is a tragedy for our fragile democracy because they will now not be able to force opposition MPs to learn the national anthem and wear frilly underwear.
The New NP plummets to 6,89% which gets them 27 seats, down 55 voices. It's a great victory for the young Marthinus van Schalkwyk who has managed to do In a few short months what the entire liberation struggle was not able to do for 50 years — bury the Nats.
The IFP with 8,56% gets 34 seats — down 9 places. That's quite respectable when one considers that almost the entire population of Pietermaritzburg holding British passports were unable to vote for the IFP this time around.
The FF with 0,8% gets 3 seats — down 6 places. Rumour had it that 50% of their voters moved to Orania while the other 3 seats were lost to two new parties.
(Trumpets and fanfare at this point.) The DP with 9,56% gets 38 seats — up 31 places! Tony, Tony, Tony! I realise now what you meant by "Fight Back". You were talking about the Nats! You were working with the ANC all along!
The PAC with 0,71% gets 2 seats — down 3 voices. These guys are truly pathetic. Patricia de Lille is the only one among that lot with any ball... (ah-choo!) (Excuse me) ...ballerina aspirations put on hold by a car crash.
And finally, the ACDP with 1,43% gets 5 seats — up 3. (Only 295 more seats needed to reinstate the death penalty!)
Now, let's look at those new entries. The Afrikaner Eenheids Beweging takes 0,29% from the FF to get them 1 seat. The other 2 FF seats went to the Louis Luyt's Federal Alliance with 0,54%. Luyt's experience in the fertiliser industry will stand him in good stead, and he will now be shortlisted for the next parliamentary commission of enquiry into rugby.
The Minority Front with 0,3% gets 1 seat and the United Christian Democratic Party with 0,78% gets 3 seats. Messrs Rajbansi and Mangope, take a bow. l rejoice — along with the likes of Tony Grogan, Zapiro, Francis-Dugamore-Rico...
And the United Democratic Movement with 3,42% pull in 13 seats. This is truly impressive work for a new party with no funding. Just keep Bantu away from the porridge, Roelf...
Seriously though, I really do respect these people... all of them. They are my employees and the Labour Relations Act doesn't allow me to treat them otherwise. Fortunately, we've got them on fixed-term contracts and can fire them after five years. Fellow South Africans, remember they work for you too.