That ultimate symbol of domesticity and parenthood, the gift-wrapped bottle of Brut 33, found its way under our Christmas tree...
I briefly considered slitting my wrists. Can the lawnmower, the weed-whacker, and the Mickey Mouse tie be far behind? Perhaps it's time to develop a taste for sitting in front of the TV, beer can in hand, stomach spilling out between vest and shorts...
Most of us never really end up with the gifts we want, or need. So, here's my gift list for many prominent people this festive season, and some suggestions for their New Year resolutions.
For Health Minister Nkosazana Zuma: 1598 condoms per hour, 24 hours a day, for a year, which could have been bought with the R14-million spent on Sarafina II. New Year resolution: Learn to speak Spanish to more effectively communicate with Cuban doctors.
For Deputy President Thabo Mbeki: An I love Tokyo T-shirt. New Year resolutions: Attend Dale Carnegie courses, discuss pressures of being heir-apparent with Prince Charles.
Foreign Minister Alfred Nzo: A First Class ticket to Taipei on South African Airways. New Year resolution: develop a taste for Chinese cuisine.
For Labour Minister Tito Mboweni and Congress of South African Trade Unions boss Sam Shilowa: Lessons in modern Marxism from Finance Minister Trevor Manuel. New Year resolution: Learn to sing Who's fooling who? in two part harmony.
For Transport Minister Mac Maharaj: A year's unlimited luxury transport with the minibus taxi of his choice. New Year resolution: learn how to properly fasten a bullet-proof vest so as to better enjoy the taxi ride.
For Home Affairs Minister, Inkatha leader, freedom fighter and pacifist Mangosuthu Buthelezi: A canister of helium and a bag of Barbapapa balloons. He can either make his own party or make his speeches easier to listen to. New Year's resolution: Make hyperbole and inflammatory speeches capital offenses.
For former military dictator turned former deputy minister turned former parliamentarian Bantu Holomisa: A grammar primer which clearly explains when to use first, second and third person. New Year resolutions: Learn how to make porridge with invisible ink, invest in Teflon.
For Democratic Party leader Tony Leon: a vinyl pressing of Ipi Tombi and a fly whisk. New Year resolution: Undergo traditional Zulu ceremony of manhood (or any other ceremony of manhood come to that).
For President Nelson Mandela: A clone to ease his workload, and a subscription to Hustler. New Year resolution: Install glass shower doors at Tuinhuis.
For Bart Simpson: A wrist support. The boy is clearly heading for a serious case of Repetitive Stress Injury, writing on blackboards the way he does. New Year resolution: Invade South Africa and take over the education department.
For Agriculture Minister Derek Hanekom: A copy of Des and Dawn Lindberg singing This land is your land. New Year resolution: Discuss land reform with Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe.
For former South African Broadcasting Corporation boss turned Free State premier Ivy Matsepe-Casaburri: a muumuu made out of the old Free State flag. New Year resolution: Will finally pay for her TV licence.
For South Africa's answer to Arsenio Hall, Dali Tambo: Braces, either kind. New Year resolutions: Will stop grinning inanely, will stop doing Demis Roussos imitations in front of the mirror.
For Mother Theresa: Rollerblades. New Year resolution: Will purchase kneeguards.
For accused serial killer Moses Sithole: A lecture on empowerment from Patricia de Lille. New Year resolution: support capital punishment.
And of course, there's theSaturdayPaper's own team. For fellow columnist William Saunderson-Meyer: A contract to write the next edition of Roget's Thesaurus. New Year resolution: Be nice to Nkosazana Zuma and various Catholic personages.
For food critic Igor May: A night-shift as chief bottlewasher at Joop's Place. New Year resolution: Will leave the waitresses alone.
And for Pub Crawler Grog Knowler: A date with the chief taster at South African Breweries (he'll have to mullet over first...) New Year resolution: Will donate stocks in Prohep and SAB to a worthy cause.
Finally, to each and every one of us, a happy 1997. Live long and prosper.